Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
