you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
