Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
