I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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