I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
