Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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