I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
