I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
