I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
