Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
