i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
All I want is dick and wine.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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