I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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