I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
