Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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