is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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