no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
