There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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