so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
