Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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