Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
