ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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