did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize