had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
