this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
