Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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