How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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