NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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