i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
