Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
