Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
