I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize