so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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