she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
