By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
