when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Are we still banned from the library?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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