Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
