hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
