Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
