Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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