pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
