after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize