Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
