Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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