I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
