Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
