i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
