I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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