I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
