sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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