need another drink. this is the easiest way
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
