Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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