so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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