I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
