i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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