If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
